24 March 2014

I Died During my C-Section

csection experience
Okay, I have been avoiding this topic like a plague. I'm not writing this post to warn woman or to bring terror to your thoughts about c-section, no my intention of writing this horrific incident is to help bring some clarity to myself, hopefully, and to share some of the things I went through during my ordeal. 

My plan was to go VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) for the birth of my second child. My first cesarean felt like death but I can't even begin to explain to you what death feels like until I had my second surgery.

I was 40 weeks and 4 days overdue, technically I was told I am not overdue unless I pass the 41 week mark. There I am lying in bed at 4 in the morning on a Friday, and for some odd reason my husband could not sleep so he stood up with me. I reminded him to rest so he could have energy to work after my 10 A.M doctors appointment that day. We had to speak to the doctor about scheduling my induction on the Friday following. By the way, I do not believe inducing should be allowed until there is a dier need to. There will probably be some debate about this but I believe that the baby should come out when he/she is ready to, being forced to be brought into the world does not give me peace of mind and I was terrified for my child and I.  Within minutes of our conversation (sorry to be so graphic) I felt a sudden wetness and thought maybe this was it, my water broke

After further inspection, it was the mucous plug that has detached itself from it's location. I let my husband know  that he needed to catch up on sleep because today might be the day. I started feeling pressure and back pain while I paced the living room floor, my mother quietly gazing me absolutely knew the pain I was feeling and eased my mind with small talk. I walked, I sat I did so many things to try to ease the pain and prepare myself for what's ahead. I called my doctor and told her I will not be making it to the appointment because I am in labor. She advised me to head to the hospital when the contractions were 4 minutes apart. 5 hours has passed, I watched my husband clean and prepped the car with our luggage and our sons car seat, I listened to hypnobirth and timed my contractions and finally the time came, my contractions were 4 minutes a part.
We drove 5 minutes to the hospital, registered in and changed into my hospital gown. The nurse set up the fetal and contraction monitor and told us that the contractions are only 7 minutes apart. I told her that it couldn't be I felt pain every 3 minutes if not that. I waited about 1 hour for my doctor to check how many centimeters I was dilated and when she finally came in to check me, I was 6 centimeters. Doctors, midwives and who ever else was in the room was in complete shock. They congratulated me because I was going through the contractions like nobody's business and was the only woman amongst woman giving birth that day brave enough to avoid the epidural. I had done it, I 'm going through labor pains without an epidural.

I had done it, I'm going through labor pains without an epidural.

I continued listening to hypnobirth, bounced on a ball and ate jello and ice pops. It was a breeze, until 9 centimeters came.

9 centimeters and I was stuck on it for 5 hours straight. WHY ME! The pain was so intense on my back I told my husband I couldn't take it! I need the epidural! He reminded me that my goal was to go natural and pepped talked the crap out of me. After one more hour of pain and still no improvement I opted on getting the epidural. The worst part of the procedure was I was lucky enough to get a person in training. A Nurse Anesthetist, a newbie whatever the hell she was, was commanded by the Anesthesiologist about what dosage and what area to place the needle in and could you believe she poked my back three damn times with this unbelievably long needle! Till this day my back is messed up and I am certain it'll stay this way for months to come!

I cried and I cried, on my husbands shoulders while the epidural was being done. I screamed and yelled and told her that I could feel her pinching me it was doing something to my left leg. I told her to STOP THE EPIDURAL I NEED TO PUSH! Since the needle was already in, they administered the epidural, anyway.


There I am disappointed in myself, aggravated at the situation that just transpired but completely relaxed now because the pain has disappeared. I am now at 10 centimeters with my water sack still intact. I was advised to have my water sack ruptured so I could head to the next stage of birthing my son, plus the epidural has slowed down my contractions to 4 minutes apart instead of the 1 minute I felt before the epidural. I said yes to rupturing my water sack and thought I was in the clear, I will push and have my son in no time. 

Let's start pushing the midwife said and oh my goodness the anxiety I felt with the epidural completely disappeared. I pushed three times and nothing, I pushed another 3 times and still nothing. The midwife told me that the baby isn't in stage 2 and is still far up so with every contraction we need to keep pushing him down. After 3 hours of pushing in different positions, my son would not move. The doctor comes in and says it's time, we need to start talking about a c-section, in which my husband quickly replied no thank you, my wife does not want that. I couldn't talk at this point, I felt really tired and sluggish after pushing for 3 hours all I wanted to do was sleep, all I wanted was peace and quiet. I just wanted everyone to shut up and leave me the hell alone. 

Three midwives, some nurses and the doctor were all standing around me including my husband conversing about this cesarean. I on the other hand drifted off into the abyss, I did not care. How could I? My mind couldn't think anymore. I went through almost 17 hours of labor, I hadn't slept all day and I needed sleep. We asked for two more hours and when I'm ready to push I can push again. My son was in no danger, his heart rate was fine. She gave us a measly 30 minutes to decide.

My husband and I were left alone to speak about the c-section at which point I completely broke down (typing this now brings me sadness) I cried and told him I'm tired, I want to get it over with let's just do it. At that point he wouldn't tell me but I saw the sadness in his eyes. 

There I am in the operating room being prepped for my second c-section. I vomited this crap they gave me to drink and to be honest whatever it was I could have cared less at that point whether or not it could have killed me. The procedures being done or what medication was given to me was all out of my control, I couldn't speak, I couldn't ask questions, I couldn't decide on anything. I was completely drugged up and my sense of alertness went out the window. My husband sat next to me but I couldn't even see him, everything was all white and a blur and then...

I was being cut open, but why the hell could I feel it...

I was being cut open, but why the hell could I feel it. I screamed I told them to stop. I COULD FEEL IT. STOP! STOP! I COULD FEEL IT! I cried so loud and continued to plead PLEASE STOP! PLEASE and within seconds I was lights out! 

Damnit I'm dead! I am now in a white room filled with absolutely nothing, just white. I walked and walked and knew this wasn't the place I was in before, but I felt a sense of peace. Oh man, the feeling was so invigorating, the serenity the absolute feeling of being perfectly complete and satisfied with myself. I was so darn happy to be there. I walked and walked and found myself standing in front of a man and my deceased grandmother and I looked down and found a baby wrapped in my arms. He patted my shoulders, turned me around and said it is not your time then pushed me forward ever so gracefully. 

You may not believe me but I felt like I died and met my creator along with my grandmother whom I've miss so much. You may not believe it because you weren't there to experience it. Sure I was highly drugged up and my mind created this place of peace. I just could not believe during my time of absolute need and helplessness that I could have dreamed such a peaceful place. I could have dreamt of other things while I was under but I didn't. I'd like to believe that this dream gave me solace during my very bad c-section experience.

My son was born at 2:47 P.M on November 2, 2013. I did not get to meet him till I woke up 5 hours later, still groggy and drugged up. I was told they sent him straight to the NICU after birth because he needed breathing assistance. I was also told that I had a very complicated circumstance - my intestine, bladder and uterus were all fused together like one big organ after healing from my first c-section making it extremely dangerous to give birth naturally. My son was also sunny side up or in a posterior position, the reason why he wouldn't accel to stage 2. The crazy part was I knew this because of the constant back pain I was feeling all through my pregnancy. It took two doctors to repair me back to normal and advised me that I will not have a VBA2C (vaginal birth after 2 cesarean). The chances of giving birth naturally is very dangerous and could end up with a uterine rupture. I stood in the hospital for 6 days.

julian (1)
After a very long and painful recovery, I still have back pains and deal with some post traumatic stress from my c-section but I'm fine and so is my son, which is all that matters now. The only scary thing is I know my third child, since we are aiming for a girl will end up a cesarean and I know I will go under the knife again and it scares me to pieces.
What I cannot understand is why was I being rushed to birth my son, there was no life threatening events that occurred. I feel angry, frustrated, annoyed and wished it could have happened the way I planned. I wanted to hold my son right after birth not wait five hours. If I could do it differently I would have waited a lot longer at home and labored my way till he was ready to come out. I could have moved around in the comfort of my own home instead of constantly being told that these damn monitors were sounding an alarm every time it wasn't monitoring right. I was also told I needed to stay still in order for the monitor to work properly. Obviously, staying still during labor was not the easiest task. I feel so disappointed at the turn of events but what could I do? What can I do now? How do I prepare myself for another c-section? I really want a girl but now I am not sure my heart is set on another surgery in my future.  

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